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How to Talk About Suicidal Thoughts

We all know there is a huge stigma about mental health, but I want to talk about an even bigger taboo - suicidal thoughts.

To come straight out with it, I suffer from suicidal thoughts every day. I cannot remember a day without such a thought. Mornings can be particularly bad where sometimes they dominate including fantasising about how I could do it. Sometimes the only way it stops is by getting up. Often they continue as I get my breakfast.

They can occur anytime during the day, often when I blame myself for something going wrong, sometimes I see something normal that triggers the thoughts.

Thankfully I am managing them much better but it has taken a lot of therapy with my psychologist and nurse. I have been told, and now know, they are not real, but when in the grip of them they feel so real.

At my lowest I really could not cope as they took a grip day after day week after week. I kept telling myself off as there was a way out and I should take it. I didn't say anything because I knew I just wanted to end it. I had it all planned, but after dropping my son off, I went round to my uncle's who give me some Christmas presents. I thought well how can I do it with presents in the car.

Instead I came home feeling a complete failure. I knew I should have died that day, so I continued the next few months by living "outside myself". I observed the world and how it wouldn't matter if I wasn't there. It was remarkably easy for me to speak when required, laugh at the right time, whilst never really being there. I knew it was unhealthy but I shouldn't have been alive...

As you will see from the article it is so important we talk about this issue and help each other.

I hope releasing little snippets of myself helps members of our site. Feel free to join a conversation if you are affected by this post. Please also share this with your networks.

Click the image for the full story...

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